I awake today feeling slightly run over by an RV or a bigvehicletruck.
HarHar.
I've been tired from work, and sometimes giving giving and giving so much without any results (is it necessary for it to be immediate?) can leave me absolutely empty, in need of fillingup. I don't want the needle at the gauge to reach zero, and so I figure I should enter a petrol kiosk, because sometimes I forget Godismystrength. I look for friends or for people (all the wrongplaces I know) and end up disappointed because I know they have their own storiesandburdens to carry, and I get mad at myself for placing expectations on them which they do not deserve to be carrying.
On the flipside, I know I have been progressing daybyday and I am already a person entirelychanged and renewed (by God's grace), and am already a biggerbetter version from two years ago. N would have been so proud. That's what learning and the journey does to you (: It transforms you into a beautifully flawed piece of God's work day by day.
Being then a very fallenhumanbeing, I realise I want to learn not to do that. (The placing of expectations part.) So, while I am dancing with myself, and wondering which step to take, I am going to choose the one that needs the most faith, absolute faith. To take a step back, and restart. All over again. Can I rewind? (This is so Click. Heh.) To learn to align myself more with Christ.
Enjoy the process - they all say.
I know I know. My pride is my downfall and I do things to prove people wrong. Too much hardstuff, grit. So while God works in providing me with more grace, love and selfdiscipline, bear with me.
As I write this, dad comes over and drops me a mail from Deakin with my entire Masters transcripts and I realise I either got a D or HD for most of my subjects except for two Credit passes. I just want to cry. Because it was a crazy year and I don't even know how I did it, but I did. And it is definitely god'sgrace. God, let your will be done. And this, I admit, is the hardest to say and believe both at the same time.
